TWELFTH NIGHT 4.2

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TWELFTH NIGHT 4.2

OLIVIA's house.

[Enter MARIA and Clown]

MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do

it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

[Exit]

Clown Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself

in't; and I would I were the first that ever 5

dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to

become the function well, nor lean enough to be

thought a good student; but to be said an honest man

and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a

careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. 10

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of

Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily

said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'

so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, 15

what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY BELCH To him, Sir Topas.

Clown What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO [Within] Who calls there? 20

Clown Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!

talkest thou nothing but of ladies? 25

SIR TOBY BELCH Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir

Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me

here in hideous darkness.

Clown Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most 30

modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones

that will use the devil himself with courtesy:

sayest thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, 35

and the clearstores toward the south north are as

lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of

obstruction?

MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness 40

but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than

the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there

was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you 45

are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. 50

Clown Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:

thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will

allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest

thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas! 55

SIR TOBY BELCH My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how 60

thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this

knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I

would he were, for I am now so far in offence with

my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this

sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. 65

[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

Clown [Singing]

'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO Fool!

Clown 'My lady is unkind, perdy.' 70

MALVOLIO Fool!

Clown 'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO Fool, I say!

Clown 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my 75

hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:

as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to

thee for't.

Clown Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO Ay, good fool. 80

Clown Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I

am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no

better in your wits than a fool. 85

MALVOLIO They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,

send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to

face me out of my wits.

Clown Advise you what you say; the minister is here.

Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! 90

endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain

bibble babble.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas!

Clown Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,

sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. 95

Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am

shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I 100

tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown Well-a-day that you were, sir

MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:

it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing 105

of letter did.

Clown I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you

not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his 110

brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I

prithee, be gone.

Clown [Singing]

I am gone, sir, 115

And anon, sir,

I'll be with you again,

In a trice,

Like to the old Vice,

Your need to sustain; 120

Who, with dagger of lath,

In his rage and his wrath,

Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

Like a mad lad,

Pare thy nails, dad; 125

Adieu, good man devil.

[Exit]

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MARIA		Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
		make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
		it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
		[Exit]

Clown	Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
	in't; and I would I were the first that ever	5
	dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
	become the function well, nor lean enough to be
	thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
	and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
	careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.	10
	[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

Clown	Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
	Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
	said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
	so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,	15
	what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

Clown		Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
		the lunatic.

Clown		Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
		talkest thou nothing but of ladies?	25

MALVOLIO		Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
		Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
		here in hideous darkness.

Clown	Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most	30
	modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
	that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
	sayest thou that house is dark?

Clown	Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,	35
	and the clearstores toward the south north are as
	lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
	obstruction?

Clown	Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness	40
	but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
	the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO	I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
	ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
	was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you	45
	are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown		Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
		thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
		allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
		thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MARIA		Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
		gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH	To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how	60
	thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
	knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
	would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
	my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
	sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.	65
	[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

Clown		[Singing]
		'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
		Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO	Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my	75
	hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
	as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
	thee for't.

MALVOLIO		Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
		am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown		But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
		better in your wits than a fool.	85

MALVOLIO		They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
		send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
		face me out of my wits.

Clown	Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
	Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!	90
	endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
	bibble babble.

Clown	Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
	sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.	95
	Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

Clown		Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
		shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO		Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I	100
		tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

MALVOLIO	By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
	light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
	it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing	105
	of letter did.

Clown		I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
		not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

Clown		Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his	110
		brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO		Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
		prithee, be gone.

Clown	[Singing]
	I am gone, sir,	115
	And anon, sir,
	I'll be with you again,
	In a trice,
	Like to the old Vice,
	Your need to sustain;	120
	Who, with dagger of lath,
	In his rage and his wrath,
	Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
	Like a mad lad,
	Pare thy nails, dad;	125
	Adieu, good man devil.
	[Exit]

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