TWELFTH NIGHT 3.2

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TWELFTH NIGHT 3.2

OLIVIA's house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]

SIR ANDREW No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY BELCH Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

FABIAN You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the

count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me; 5

I saw't i' the orchard.

SIR TOBY BELCH Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW 'Slight, will you make an ass o' me? 10

FABIAN I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of

judgment and reason.

SIR TOBY BELCH And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah

was a sailor.

FABIAN She did show favour to the youth in your sight only 15

to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to

put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.

You should then have accosted her; and with some

excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should

have banged the youth into dumbness. This was 20

looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the

double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash

off, and you are now sailed into the north of my

lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle

on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by 25

some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy

I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a

politician.

SIR TOBY BELCH Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of 30

valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight

with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall

take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no

love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's

commendation with woman than report of valour. 35

FABIAN There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY BELCH Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;

it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun

of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink: 40

if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be

amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of

paper, although the sheet were big enough for the

bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.

Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou 45

write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

SIR ANDREW Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY BELCH We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

[Exit SIR ANDREW]

FABIAN This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand 50

strong, or so.

FABIAN We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll

not deliver't?

SIR TOBY BELCH Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the

youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes 55

cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were

opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as

will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of

the anatomy.

FABIAN And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no 60

great presage of cruelty.

[Enter MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself

into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is

turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no 65

Christian, that means to be saved by believing

rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages

of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY BELCH And cross-gartered?

MARIA Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school 70

i' the church. I have dogged him, like his

murderer. He does obey every point of the letter

that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his

face into more lines than is in the new map with the

augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such 75

a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things

at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,

he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

SIR TOBY BELCH Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

[Exeunt]

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SIR ANDREW	Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
	count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;	5
	I saw't i' the orchard.

FABIAN		I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
		judgment and reason.

SIR TOBY BELCH		And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
		was a sailor.

FABIAN	She did show favour to the youth in your sight only	15
	to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
	put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
	You should then have accosted her; and with some
	excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
	have banged the youth into dumbness. This was	20
	looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
	double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
	off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
	lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
	on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by	25
	some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW		An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
		I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a
		politician.

SIR TOBY BELCH	Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of	30
	valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
	with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
	take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
	love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
	commendation with woman than report of valour.	35

SIR TOBY BELCH	Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
	it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
	of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:	40
	if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
	amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
	paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
	bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
	Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou	45
	write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

SIR TOBY BELCH		We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.
		[Exit SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH		I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand	50
		strong, or so.

FABIAN		We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
		not deliver't?

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SIR TOBY BELCH	Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
	youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes	55
	cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
	opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
	will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
	the anatomy.

FABIAN	And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no	60
	great presage of cruelty.
	[Enter MARIA]

MARIA	If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
	into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
	turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no	65
	Christian, that means to be saved by believing
	rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
	of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

MARIA	Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school	70
	i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
	murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
	that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
	face into more lines than is in the new map with the
	augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such	75
	a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
	at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
	he'll smile and take't for a great favour.