TWELFTH NIGHT 2.5

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TWELFTH NIGHT 2.5

OLIVIA's garden.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]

SIR TOBY BELCH Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

FABIAN Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,

let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

SIR TOBY BELCH Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly

rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame? 5

FABIAN I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'

favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will

fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW An we do not, it is pity of our lives. 10

SIR TOBY BELCH Here comes the little villain.

[Enter MARIA]

How now, my metal of India!

MARIA Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's

coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the

sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half 15

hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I

know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of

him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,

[Throws down a letter]

for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.

[Exit]

[Enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told 20

me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more

exalted respect than any one else that follows her.

What should I think on't? 25

SIR TOBY BELCH Here's an overweening rogue!

FABIAN O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock

of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

SIR ANDREW 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

SIR TOBY BELCH Peace, I say. 30

MALVOLIO To be Count Malvolio!

SIR TOBY BELCH Ah, rogue!

SIR ANDREW Pistol him, pistol him.

SIR TOBY BELCH Peace, peace!

MALVOLIO There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy 35

married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

SIR ANDREW Fie on him, Jezebel!

FABIAN O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how

imagination blows him.

MALVOLIO Having been three months married to her, sitting in 40

my state,--

SIR TOBY BELCH O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet

gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left

Olivia sleeping,-- 45

SIR TOBY BELCH Fire and brimstone!

FABIAN O, peace, peace!

MALVOLIO And then to have the humour of state; and after a

demure travel of regard, telling them I know my

place as I would they should do theirs, to for my 50

kinsman Toby,--

SIR TOBY BELCH Bolts and shackles!

FABIAN O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

MALVOLIO Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make

out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind 55

up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby

approaches; courtesies there to me,--

SIR TOBY BELCH Shall this fellow live?

FABIAN Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

MALVOLIO I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar 60

smile with an austere regard of control,--

SIR TOBY BELCH And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?

MALVOLIO Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on

your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

SIR TOBY BELCH What, what? 65

MALVOLIO 'You must amend your drunkenness.'

SIR TOBY BELCH Out, scab!

FABIAN Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

MALVOLIO 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with

a foolish knight,'-- 70

SIR ANDREW That's me, I warrant you.

MALVOLIO 'One Sir Andrew,'--

SIR ANDREW I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

MALVOLIO What employment have we here?

[Taking up the letter]

FABIAN Now is the woodcock near the gin. 75

SIR TOBY BELCH O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading

aloud to him!

MALVOLIO By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her

very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her

great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand. 80

SIR ANDREW Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

MALVOLIO [Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good

wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.

Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she

uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be? 85

FABIAN This wins him, liver and all.

MALVOLIO [Reads]

Jove knows I love: But who?

Lips, do not move;

No man must know. 90

'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers

altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be

thee, Malvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH Marry, hang thee, brock!

MALVOLIO [Reads] 95

I may command where I adore;

But silence, like a Lucrece knife,

With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:

M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

FABIAN A fustian riddle! 100

SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent wench, say I.

MALVOLIO 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let

me see, let me see, let me see.

FABIAN What dish o' poison has she dressed him!

SIR TOBY BELCH And with what wing the staniel cheques at it! 105

MALVOLIO 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command

me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is

evident to any formal capacity; there is no

obstruction in this: and the end,--what should

that alphabetical position portend? If I could make 110

that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,

I,--

SIR TOBY BELCH O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.

FABIAN Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as

rank as a fox. 115

MALVOLIO M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.

FABIAN Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is

excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;

that suffers under probation A should follow but O does. 120

FABIAN And O shall end, I hope.

SIR TOBY BELCH Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

MALVOLIO And then I comes behind.

FABIAN Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see

more detraction at your heels than fortunes before 125

you.

MALVOLIO M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and

yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for

every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!

here follows prose. 130

[Reads]

'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I

am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some

are born great, some achieve greatness, and some

have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open

their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them; 135

and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,

cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be

opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let

thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into

the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee 140

that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy

yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever

cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art

made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see

thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and 145

not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.

She that would alter services with thee,

THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'

Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is

open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, 150

I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross

acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.

I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade

me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady

loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of 155

late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;

and in this she manifests herself to my love, and

with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits

of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will

be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and 160

cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting

on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a

postscript.

[Reads]

'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou

entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; 165

thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my

presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'

Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do

everything that thou wilt have me.

[Exit]

FABIAN I will not give my part of this sport for a pension 170

of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

SIR TOBY BELCH I could marry this wench for this device.

SIR ANDREW So could I too.

SIR TOBY BELCH And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.

SIR ANDREW Nor I neither. 175

FABIAN Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

[Re-enter MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

SIR ANDREW Or o' mine either?

SIR TOBY BELCH Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy

bond-slave? 180

SIR ANDREW I' faith, or I either?

SIR TOBY BELCH Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when

the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

MARIA Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?

SIR TOBY BELCH Like aqua-vitae with a midwife. 185

MARIA If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark

his first approach before my lady: he will come to

her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she

abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;

and he will smile upon her, which will now be so 190

unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a

melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him

into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow

me.

SIR TOBY BELCH To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit! 195

SIR ANDREW I'll make one too.

[Exeunt]

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FABIAN		Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,
		let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

SIR TOBY BELCH		Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
		rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?	5

FABIAN		I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'
		favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH		To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will
		fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?

SIR TOBY BELCH		Here comes the little villain.
		[Enter MARIA]
		How now, my metal of India!

MARIA	Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's
	coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
	sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half	15
	hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I
	know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
	him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
	[Throws down a letter]
	for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
	[Exit]
	[Enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO	'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told	20
	me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
	thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
	of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
	exalted respect than any one else that follows her.
	What should I think on't?	25

FABIAN		O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock
		of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

MALVOLIO		There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy	35
		married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

FABIAN		O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how
		imagination blows him.

MALVOLIO		Having been three months married to her, sitting in	40
		my state,--

MALVOLIO	Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet
	gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left
	Olivia sleeping,--	45

MALVOLIO	And then to have the humour of state; and after a
	demure travel of regard, telling them I know my
	place as I would they should do theirs, to for my	50
	kinsman Toby,--

MALVOLIO	Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make
	out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind	55
	up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
	approaches; courtesies there to me,--

MALVOLIO		I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar	60
		smile with an austere regard of control,--

MALVOLIO		Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on
		your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

MALVOLIO		'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
		a foolish knight,'--	70

SIR TOBY BELCH		O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading
		aloud to him!

MALVOLIO	By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
	very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
	great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.	80

MALVOLIO	[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
	wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
	Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
	uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?	85

MALVOLIO	[Reads]
	Jove knows I love: But who?
	Lips, do not move;
	No man must know.	90
	'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers
	altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be
	thee, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO	[Reads]	95
	I may command where I adore;
	But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
	With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
	M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

MALVOLIO		'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let
		me see, let me see, let me see.

MALVOLIO	'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command
	me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is
	evident to any formal capacity; there is no
	obstruction in this: and the end,--what should
	that alphabetical position portend? If I could make	110
	that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,
	I,--

FABIAN		Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as
		rank as a fox.	115

FABIAN		Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is
		excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO		M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;
		that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.	120

FABIAN	Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see
	more detraction at your heels than fortunes before	125
	you.

MALVOLIO	M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
	yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
	every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!
	here follows prose.	130
	[Reads]
	'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
	am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
	are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
	have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
	their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;	135
	and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,
	cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be
	opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let
	thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into
	the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee	140
	that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
	yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
	cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
	made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see
	thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and	145
	not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
	She that would alter services with thee,
	THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
	Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is
	open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,	150
	I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross
	acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.
	I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade
	me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady
	loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of	155
	late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
	and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
	with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
	of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
	be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and	160
	cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
	on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
	postscript.
	[Reads]
	'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
	entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;	165
	thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
	presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
	Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
	everything that thou wilt have me.
	[Exit]

FABIAN		I will not give my part of this sport for a pension	170
		of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.