TWELFTH NIGHT 2.3

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TWELFTH NIGHT 2.3

OLIVIA's house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after

midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo

surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up

late is to be up late. 5

SIR TOBY BELCH A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.

To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is

early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go

to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the

four elements? 10

SIR ANDREW Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists

of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.

Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!

[Enter Clown]

SIR ANDREW Here comes the fool, i' faith. 15

Clown How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture

of 'we three'?

SIR TOBY BELCH Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I

had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, 20

and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In

sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last

night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the

Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas

very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy 25

leman: hadst it?

Clown I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose

is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the

Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all 30

is done. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY BELCH Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

Clown Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH A love-song, a love-song. 35

SIR ANDREW Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

Clown [Sings]

O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,

That can sing both high and low: 40

Trip no further, pretty sweeting;

Journeys end in lovers meeting,

Every wise man's son doth know.

SIR ANDREW Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH Good, good. 45

Clown [Sings]

What is love? 'tis not hereafter;

Present mirth hath present laughter;

What's to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty; 50

Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,

Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR ANDREW A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW Very sweet and contagious, i' faith. 55

SIR TOBY BELCH To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.

But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we

rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three

souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch. 60

Clown By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

SIR ANDREW Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

Clown 'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be

constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to 65

call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

Clown I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW Good, i' faith. Come, begin.

[Catch sung]

[Enter MARIA]

MARIA What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady

have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him 70

turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's

a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not

I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?

Tillyvally. Lady! 75

[Sings]

'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

Clown Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do

I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it

more natural. 80

SIR TOBY BELCH [Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--

MARIA For the love o' God, peace!

[Enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye

no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like

tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an 85

alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your

coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse

of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor

time in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up! 90

MALVOLIO Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me

tell you, that, though she harbours you as her

kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If

you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you

are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please 95

you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid

you farewell.

SIR TOBY BELCH 'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

MARIA Nay, good Sir Toby.

Clown 'His eyes do show his days are almost done.' 100

MALVOLIO Is't even so?

SIR TOBY BELCH 'But I will never die.'

Clown Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO This is much credit to you.

SIR TOBY BELCH 'Shall I bid him go?' 105

Clown 'What an if you do?'

SIR TOBY BELCH 'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

Clown 'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

SIR TOBY BELCH Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a

steward? Dost thou think, because thou art 110

virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Clown Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the

mouth too.

SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with

crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria! 115

MALVOLIO Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any

thing more than contempt, you would not give means

for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.

[Exit]

MARIA Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's 120

a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to

break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll

deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the 125

youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is

much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me

alone with him: if I do not gull him into a

nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not

think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: 130

I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason, 135

dear knight?

SIR ANDREW I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason

good enough.

MARIA The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing

constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass, 140

that cons state without book and utters it by great

swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so

crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is

his grounds of faith that all that look on him love

him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find 145

notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY BELCH What wilt thou do?

MARIA I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of

love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape

of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure 150

of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find

himself most feelingly personated. I can write very

like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we

can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent! I smell a device. 155

SIR ANDREW I have't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,

that they come from my niece, and that she's in

love with him.

MARIA My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour. 160

SIR ANDREW And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW O, 'twill be admirable!

MARIA Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will

work with him. I will plant you two, and let the 165

fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:

observe his construction of it. For this night, to

bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW Before me, she's a good wench. 170

SIR TOBY BELCH She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:

what o' that?

SIR ANDREW I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY BELCH Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for

more money. 175

SIR ANDREW If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY BELCH Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'

the end, call me cut.

SIR ANDREW If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

SIR TOBY BELCH Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late 180

to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

[Exeunt]

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SIR TOBY BELCH		Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
		midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
		surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW		Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
		late is to be up late.	5

SIR TOBY BELCH	A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
	To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
	early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
	to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
	four elements?	10

SIR ANDREW		Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists
		of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH		Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
		Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!
		[Enter Clown]

Clown		How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture
		of 'we three'?

SIR ANDREW	By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I
	had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,	20
	and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In
	sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
	night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
	Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas
	very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy	25
	leman: hadst it?

Clown		I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose
		is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the
		Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW		Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all	30
		is done. Now, a song.

Clown	[Sings]
	O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
	O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
	That can sing both high and low:	40
	Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
	Journeys end in lovers meeting,
	Every wise man's son doth know.

Clown	[Sings]
	What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
	Present mirth hath present laughter;
	What's to come is still unsure:
	In delay there lies no plenty;	50
	Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
	Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR TOBY BELCH		To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
		But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we
		rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three
		souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

Clown		'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be
		constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW		'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to	65
		call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

SIR ANDREW		Good, i' faith. Come, begin.
		[Catch sung]
		[Enter MARIA]

MARIA	What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
	have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him	70
	turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH	My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's
	a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not
	I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
	Tillyvally. Lady!	75
	[Sings]
	'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

SIR ANDREW	Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do
	I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
	more natural.	80

MALVOLIO	My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye
	no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
	tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an	85
	alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
	coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
	of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
	time in you?

MALVOLIO	Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
	tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
	kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
	you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
	are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please	95
	you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
	you farewell.

SIR TOBY BELCH	Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
	steward? Dost thou think, because thou art	110
	virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Clown		Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the
		mouth too.

SIR TOBY BELCH		Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
		crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!	115

MALVOLIO		Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
		thing more than contempt, you would not give means
		for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
		[Exit]

SIR ANDREW	'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's	120
	a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
	break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH		Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
		deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA	Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the	125
	youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
	much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
	alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
	nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
	think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:	130
	I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH		What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,	135
		dear knight?

SIR ANDREW		I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
		good enough.

MARIA	The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
	constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,	140
	that cons state without book and utters it by great
	swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
	crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
	his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
	him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find	145
	notable cause to work.