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The First Web Folio Edition of Shakespeare's Works
| OLIVIA'S house. |
| [Enter MARIA and Clown] |
| MARIA | Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will | ||
| not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in | |||
| way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence. |
| Clown | Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this | ||
| world needs to fear no colours. | 5 |
| MARIA | Make that good. |
| Clown | He shall see none to fear. |
| MARIA | A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that | ||
| saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.' |
| Clown | Where, good Mistress Mary? | 10 |
| MARIA | In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. |
| Clown | Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those | ||
| that are fools, let them use their talents. |
| MARIA | Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, | ||
| to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you? | 15 |
| Clown | Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, | ||
| for turning away, let summer bear it out. |
| MARIA | You are resolute, then? |
| Clown | Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points. |
| MARIA | That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both | 20 | |
| break, your gaskins fall. |
| Clown | Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if | ||
| Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a | |||
| piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria. |
| MARIA | Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my | 25 | |
| lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best. | |||
| [Exit] |
| Clown | Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! | ||
| Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft | |||
| prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may | |||
| pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? | 30 | ||
| 'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.' | |||
| [Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO] | |||
| God bless thee, lady! |
| OLIVIA | Take the fool away. |
| Clown | Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady. |
| OLIVIA | Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: | 35 | |
| besides, you grow dishonest. |
| Clown | Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel | ||
| will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is | |||
| the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend | |||
| himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if | 40 | ||
| he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing | |||
| that's mended is but patched: virtue that | |||
| transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that | |||
| amends is but patched with virtue. If that this | |||
| simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, | 45 | ||
| what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but | |||
| calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take | |||
| away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away. |
| OLIVIA | Sir, I bade them take away you. |
| Clown | Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non | 50 | |
| facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not | |||
| motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to | |||
| prove you a fool. |
| OLIVIA | Can you do it? |
| Clown | Dexterously, good madonna. | 55 |
| OLIVIA | Make your proof. |
| Clown | I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse | ||
| of virtue, answer me. |
| OLIVIA | Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof. |
| Clown | Good madonna, why mournest thou? | 60 |
| OLIVIA | Good fool, for my brother's death. |
| Clown | I think his soul is in hell, madonna. |
| OLIVIA | I know his soul is in heaven, fool. |
| Clown | The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's | ||
| soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. | 65 |
| OLIVIA | What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend? |
| MALVOLIO | Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: | ||
| infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the | |||
| better fool. |
| Clown | God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the | 70 | |
| better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be | |||
| sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his | |||
| word for two pence that you are no fool. |
| OLIVIA | How say you to that, Malvolio? |
| MALVOLIO | I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a | 75 | |
| barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day | |||
| with an ordinary fool that has no more brain | |||
| than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard | |||
| already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to | |||
| him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, | 80 | ||
| that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better | |||
| than the fools' zanies. |
| OLIVIA | Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste | ||
| with a distempered appetite. To be generous, | |||
| guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those | 85 | ||
| things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: | |||
| there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do | |||
| nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet | |||
| man, though he do nothing but reprove. |
| Clown | Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou | 90 | |
| speakest well of fools! | |||
| [Re-enter MARIA] |
| MARIA | Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much | ||
| desires to speak with you. |
| OLIVIA | From the Count Orsino, is it? |
| MARIA | I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended. | 95 |
| OLIVIA | Who of my people hold him in delay? |
| MARIA | Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. |
| OLIVIA | Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but | ||
| madman: fie on him! | |||
| [Exit MARIA] | |||
| Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I | 100 | ||
| am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. | |||
| [Exit MALVOLIO] | |||
| Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and | |||
| people dislike it. |
| Clown | Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest | ||
| son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with | 105 | ||
| brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a | |||
| most weak pia mater. | |||
| [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH] |
| OLIVIA | By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin? |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | A gentleman. |
| OLIVIA | A gentleman! what gentleman? | 110 |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | 'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these | ||
| pickle-herring! How now, sot! |
| Clown | Good Sir Toby! |
| OLIVIA | Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate. | 115 |
| OLIVIA | Ay, marry, what is he? |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give | ||
| me faith, say I. Well, it's all one. | |||
| [Exit] |
| OLIVIA | What's a drunken man like, fool? |
| Clown | Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one | 120 | |
| draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads | |||
| him; and a third drowns him. |
| OLIVIA | Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my | ||
| coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's | |||
| drowned: go, look after him. | 125 |
| Clown | He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look | ||
| to the madman. | |||
| [Exit] | |||
| [Re-enter MALVOLIO] |
| MALVOLIO | Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with | ||
| you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to | |||
| understand so much, and therefore comes to speak | 130 | ||
| with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to | |||
| have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore | |||
| comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, | |||
| lady? he's fortified against any denial. |
| OLIVIA | Tell him he shall not speak with me. | 135 |
| MALVOLIO | Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your | ||
| door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to | |||
| a bench, but he'll speak with you. |
| OLIVIA | What kind o' man is he? |
| MALVOLIO | Why, of mankind. | 140 |
| OLIVIA | What manner of man? |
| MALVOLIO | Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no. |
| OLIVIA | Of what personage and years is he? |
| MALVOLIO | Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for | ||
| a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a | 145 | ||
| cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him | |||
| in standing water, between boy and man. He is very | |||
| well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one | |||
| would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him. |
| OLIVIA | Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman. | 150 |
| MALVOLIO | Gentlewoman, my lady calls. | ||
| [Exit] | |||
| [Re-enter MARIA] |
| OLIVIA | Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face. | ||
| We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy. | |||
| [Enter VIOLA, and Attendants] |
| VIOLA | The honourable lady of the house, which is she? |
| OLIVIA | Speak to me; I shall answer for her. | 155 | |
| Your will? |
| VIOLA | Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I | ||
| pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, | |||
| for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away | |||
| my speech, for besides that it is excellently well | 160 | ||
| penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good | |||
| beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very | |||
| comptible, even to the least sinister usage. |
| OLIVIA | Whence came you, sir? |
| VIOLA | I can say little more than I have studied, and that | 165 | |
| question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me | |||
| modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, | |||
| that I may proceed in my speech. |
| OLIVIA | Are you a comedian? |
| VIOLA | No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs | 170 | |
| of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you | |||
| the lady of the house? |
| OLIVIA | If I do not usurp myself, I am. |
| VIOLA | Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp | ||
| yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours | 175 | ||
| to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will | |||
| on with my speech in your praise, and then show you | |||
| the heart of my message. |
| OLIVIA | Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise. |
| VIOLA | Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical. | 180 |
| OLIVIA | It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, | ||
| keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, | |||
| and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you | |||
| than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if | |||
| you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of | 185 | ||
| moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue. |
| MARIA | Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way. |
| VIOLA | No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little | ||
| longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet | |||
| lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger. | 190 |
| OLIVIA | Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when | ||
| the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office. |
| VIOLA | It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of | ||
| war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my | |||
| hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter. | 195 |
| OLIVIA | Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you? |
| VIOLA | The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I | ||
| learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I | |||
| would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, | |||
| divinity, to any other's, profanation. | 200 |
| OLIVIA | Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity. | ||
| [Exeunt MARIA and Attendants] | |||
| Now, sir, what is your text? |
| VIOLA | Most sweet lady,-- |
| OLIVIA | A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. | ||
| Where lies your text? | 205 |
| VIOLA | In Orsino's bosom. |
| OLIVIA | In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom? |
| VIOLA | To answer by the method, in the first of his heart. |
| OLIVIA | O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say? |
| VIOLA | Good madam, let me see your face. | 210 |
| OLIVIA | Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate | ||
| with my face? You are now out of your text: but | |||
| we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. | |||
| Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't | |||
| not well done? | 215 | ||
| [Unveiling] |
| VIOLA | Excellently done, if God did all. |
| OLIVIA | 'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather. |
| VIOLA | 'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white | ||
| Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on: | |||
| Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive, | 220 | ||
| If you will lead these graces to the grave | |||
| And leave the world no copy. |
| OLIVIA | O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give | ||
| out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be | |||
| inventoried, and every particle and utensil | 225 | ||
| labelled to my will: as, item, two lips, | |||
| indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to | |||
| them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were | |||
| you sent hither to praise me? |
| VIOLA | I see you what you are, you are too proud; | 230 | |
| But, if you were the devil, you are fair. | |||
| My lord and master loves you: O, such love | |||
| Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd | |||
| The nonpareil of beauty! |
| OLIVIA | How does he love me? | 235 |
| VIOLA | With adorations, fertile tears, | ||
| With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire. |
| OLIVIA | Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him: | ||
| Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, | |||
| Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; | 240 | ||
| In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant; | |||
| And in dimension and the shape of nature | |||
| A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him; | |||
| He might have took his answer long ago. |
| VIOLA | If I did love you in my master's flame, | 245 | |
| With such a suffering, such a deadly life, | |||
| In your denial I would find no sense; | |||
| I would not understand it. |
| OLIVIA | Why, what would you? |
| VIOLA | Make me a willow cabin at your gate, | 250 | |
| And call upon my soul within the house; | |||
| Write loyal cantons of contemned love | |||
| And sing them loud even in the dead of night; | |||
| Halloo your name to the reverberate hills | |||
| And make the babbling gossip of the air | 255 | ||
| Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest | |||
| Between the elements of air and earth, | |||
| But you should pity me! |
| OLIVIA | You might do much. | ||
| What is your parentage? | 260 |
| VIOLA | Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: | ||
| I am a gentleman. |
| OLIVIA | Get you to your lord; | ||
| I cannot love him: let him send no more; | |||
| Unless, perchance, you come to me again, | |||
| To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well: | 265 | ||
| I thank you for your pains: spend this for me. |
| VIOLA | I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse: | ||
| My master, not myself, lacks recompense. | |||
| Love make his heart of flint that you shall love; | |||
| And let your fervor, like my master's, be | 270 | ||
| Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty. | |||
| [Exit] |
| OLIVIA | 'What is your parentage?' | ||
| 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: | |||
| I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art; | |||
| Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit, | 275 | ||
| Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast: | |||
| soft, soft! | |||
| Unless the master were the man. How now! | |||
| Even so quickly may one catch the plague? | |||
| Methinks I feel this youth's perfections | 280 | ||
| With an invisible and subtle stealth | |||
| To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be. | |||
| What ho, Malvolio! | |||
| [Re-enter MALVOLIO] |
| MALVOLIO | Here, madam, at your service. |
| OLIVIA | Run after that same peevish messenger, | ||
| The county's man: he left this ring behind him, | 285 | ||
| Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it. | |||
| Desire him not to flatter with his lord, | |||
| Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him: | |||
| If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, | |||
| I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio. | 290 |
| MALVOLIO | Madam, I will. | ||
| [Exit] |
| OLIVIA | I do I know not what, and fear to find | ||
| Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. | |||
| Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; | |||
| What is decreed must be, and be this so. | 295 | ||
| [Exit] |
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