TWELFTH NIGHT 1.3

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TWELFTH NIGHT 1.3

OLIVIA'S house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH What a plague means my niece, to take the death of

her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'

nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great

exceptions to your ill hours. 5

SIR TOBY BELCH Why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest

limits of order.

SIR TOBY BELCH Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:

these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be 10

these boots too: an they be not, let them hang

themselves in their own straps.

MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard

my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish

knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer. 15

SIR TOBY BELCH Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

MARIA Ay, he.

SIR TOBY BELCH He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

MARIA What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY BELCH Why, he has three thousand ducats a year. 20

MARIA Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:

he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the

viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages

word for word without book, and hath all the good 25

gifts of nature.

MARIA He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that

he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that

he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he

hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent 30

he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors

that say so of him. Who are they?

MARIA They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to 35

her as long as there is a passage in my throat and

drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill

that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn

o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!

Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface. 40

[Enter SIR ANDREW]

SIR ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY BELCH Sweet Sir Andrew!

SIR ANDREW Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH Accost, Sir Andrew, accost. 45

SIR ANDREW What's that?

SIR TOBY BELCH My niece's chambermaid.

SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost,-- 50

SIR TOBY BELCH You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board

her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this

company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen. 55

SIR TOBY BELCH An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst

never draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might never

draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have

fools in hand? 60

MARIA Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring

your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor? 65

MARIA It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can

keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW Are you full of them? 70

MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,

now I let go your hand, I am barren.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I

see thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary 75

put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit

than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a

great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY BELCH No question.

SIR ANDREW An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home 80

to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH Pourquoi, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had

bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in

fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but 85

followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does't not? 90

SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I

hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs

and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece

will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one 95

she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above

her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I

have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,

man. 100

SIR ANDREW I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the

strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques

and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR TOBY BELCH Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

SIR ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the 105

degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare

with an old man.

SIR TOBY BELCH What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY BELCH And I can cut the mutton to't. 110

SIR ANDREW And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong

as any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY BELCH Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have

these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to

take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost 115

thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in

a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not

so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What

dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?

I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy 120

leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a

flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

SIR ANDREW Taurus! That's sides and heart. 125

SIR TOBY BELCH No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the

caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

[Exeunt]

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SIR TOBY BELCH		What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
		her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA	By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
	nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
	exceptions to your ill hours.	5

MARIA		Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
		limits of order.

SIR TOBY BELCH	Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
	these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be	10
	these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
	themselves in their own straps.

MARIA	That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
	my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
	knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.	15

MARIA		Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
		he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH	Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
	viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
	word for word without book, and hath all the good	25
	gifts of nature.

MARIA	He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
	he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
	he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
	hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent	30
	he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH		By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
		that say so of him. Who are they?

SIR TOBY BELCH	With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to	35
	her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
	drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
	that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
	o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
	Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.	40
	[Enter SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH		You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
		her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW		By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
		company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

SIR TOBY BELCH		An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
		never draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW	An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
	draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
	fools in hand?	60

MARIA		Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
		your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW		Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
		keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA		Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
		now I let go your hand, I am barren.
		[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH		O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
		see thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW	Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary	75
	put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
	than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
	great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR ANDREW		An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home	80
		to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR ANDREW	What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
	bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
	fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but	85
	followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH		Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
		hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
		and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW	Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
	will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one	95
	she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH	She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
	her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
	have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
	man.	100

SIR ANDREW		I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
		strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
		and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR ANDREW	As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the	105
	degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
	with an old man.

SIR ANDREW		And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
		as any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY BELCH	Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
	these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
	take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost	115
	thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
	a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
	so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
	dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
	I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy	120
	leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW		Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
		flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH		No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
		caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
		[Exeunt]