TROILUS AND CRESSIDA 5.1

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TROILUS AND CRESSIDA 5.1

The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.

[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]

ACHILLES I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,

Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.

Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.

PATROCLUS Here comes Thersites.

[Enter THERSITES]

ACHILLES How now, thou core of envy! 5

Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?

THERSITES Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol

of idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.

ACHILLES From whence, fragment?

THERSITES Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy. 10

PATROCLUS Who keeps the tent now?

THERSITES The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.

PATROCLUS Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?

THERSITES Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:

thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet. 15

PATROCLUS Male varlet, you rogue! what's that?

THERSITES Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases

of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,

loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold

palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing 20

lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,

limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the

rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take

again such preposterous discoveries!

PATROCLUS Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest 25

thou to curse thus?

THERSITES Do I curse thee?

PATROCLUS Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson

indistinguishable cur, no.

THERSITES No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle 30

immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet

flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's

purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered

with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!

PATROCLUS Out, gall! 35

THERSITES Finch-egg!

ACHILLES My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite

From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.

Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,

A token from her daughter, my fair love, 40

Both taxing me and gaging me to keep

An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:

Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;

My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.

Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent: 45

This night in banqueting must all be spent.

Away, Patroclus!

[Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]

THERSITES With too much blood and too little brain, these two

may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too

little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen. 50

Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one

that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as

earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter

there, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,

and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty 55

shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's

leg,--to what form but that he is, should wit larded

with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?

To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to

an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a 60

dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an

owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would

not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire

against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I

were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse 65

of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!

spirits and fires!

[Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,

NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights]

AGAMEMNON We go wrong, we go wrong.

AJAX No, yonder 'tis;

There, where we see the lights. 70

HECTOR I trouble you.

AJAX No, not a whit.

ULYSSES Here comes himself to guide you.

[Re-enter ACHILLES]

ACHILLES Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.

AGAMEMNON So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.

Ajax commands the guard to tend on you. 75

HECTOR Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general.

MENELAUS Good night, my lord.

HECTOR Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.

THERSITES Sweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,

sweet sewer. 80

ACHILLES Good night and welcome, both at once, to those

That go or tarry.

AGAMEMNON Good night.

[Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS]

ACHILLES Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,

Keep Hector company an hour or two. 85

DIOMEDES I cannot, lord; I have important business,

The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

HECTOR Give me your hand.

ULYSSES [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to

Calchas' tent: 90

I'll keep you company.

TROILUS Sweet sir, you honour me.

HECTOR And so, good night.

[Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following]

ACHILLES Come, come, enter my tent.

[Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR]

THERSITES That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most 95

unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers

than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend

his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:

but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it

is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun 100

borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his

word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than

not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan

drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll

after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets! 105

[Exit]

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ACHILLES		I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
		Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
		Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.

ACHILLES		How now, thou core of envy!	5
		Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?

THERSITES		Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol
		of idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.

THERSITES		Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:
		thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.	15

THERSITES	Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases
	of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,
	loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold
	palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing	20
	lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
	limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the
	rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take
	again such preposterous discoveries!

PATROCLUS		Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest	25
		thou to curse thus?

PATROCLUS		Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
		indistinguishable cur, no.

THERSITES	No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle	30
	immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet
	flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's
	purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered
	with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!

ACHILLES	My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
	From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
	Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
	A token from her daughter, my fair love,	40
	Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
	An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
	Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
	My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
	Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:	45
	This night in banqueting must all be spent.
	Away, Patroclus!
	[Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]

THERSITES	With too much blood and too little brain, these two
	may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too
	little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.	50
	Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one
	that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as
	earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter
	there, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,
	and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty	55
	shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's
	leg,--to what form but that he is, should wit larded
	with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?
	To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to
	an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a	60
	dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an
	owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would
	not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
	against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I
	were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse	65
	of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!
	spirits and fires!
	[Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,
	NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights]

AGAMEMNON		So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
		Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.	75

THERSITES		Sweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,
		sweet sewer.	80

ACHILLES		Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
		That go or tarry.

ACHILLES		Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
		Keep Hector company an hour or two.	85

DIOMEDES		I cannot, lord; I have important business,
		The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

ULYSSES	[Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to
	Calchas' tent:	90
	I'll keep you company.

HECTOR		And so, good night.
		[Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following]

ACHILLES		Come, come, enter my tent.
		[Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR]

THERSITES	That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most	95
	unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers
	than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend
	his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:
	but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it
	is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun	100
	borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his
	word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than
	not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan
	drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll
	after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!	105
	[Exit]

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