ROMEO AND JULIET 2.4

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ROMEO AND JULIET 2.4

A street.

[Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO]

MERCUTIO Where the devil should this Romeo be?

Came he not home to-night?

BENVOLIO Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.

MERCUTIO Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline.

Torments him so, that he will sure run mad. 5

BENVOLIO Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet,

Hath sent a letter to his father's house.

MERCUTIO A challenge, on my life.

BENVOLIO Romeo will answer it.

MERCUTIO Any man that can write may answer a letter. 10

BENVOLIO Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he

dares, being dared.

MERCUTIO Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with a

white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a

love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the 15

blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to

encounter Tybalt?

BENVOLIO Why, what is Tybalt?

MERCUTIO More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is

the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as 20

you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance, and

proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and

the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk

button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the

very first house, of the first and second cause: 25

ah, the immortal passado! the punto reverso! the

hai!

BENVOLIO The what?

MERCUTIO The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting

fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents! 'By Jesu, 30

a very good blade! a very tall man! a very good

whore!' Why, is not this a lamentable thing,

grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with

these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these

perdona-mi's, who stand so much on the new form, 35

that they cannot at ease on the old bench? O, their

bones, their bones!

[Enter ROMEO]

BENVOLIO Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.

MERCUTIO Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh,

how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers 40

that Petrarch flowed in: Laura to his lady was but a

kitchen-wench; marry, she had a better love to

be-rhyme her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;

Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey

eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior 45

Romeo, bon jour! there's a French salutation

to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit

fairly last night.

ROMEO Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?

MERCUTIO The ship, sir, the slip; can you not conceive? 50

ROMEO Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in

such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.

MERCUTIO That's as much as to say, such a case as yours

constrains a man to bow in the hams.

ROMEO Meaning, to court'sy. 55

MERCUTIO Thou hast most kindly hit it.

ROMEO A most courteous exposition.

MERCUTIO Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.

ROMEO Pink for flower.

MERCUTIO Right. 60

ROMEO Why, then is my pump well flowered.

MERCUTIO Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast

worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it

is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.

ROMEO O single-soled jest, solely singular for the 65

singleness.

MERCUTIO Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.

ROMEO Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.

MERCUTIO Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have

done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of 70

thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five:

was I with you there for the goose?

ROMEO Thou wast never with me for any thing when thou wast

not there for the goose.

MERCUTIO I will bite thee by the ear for that jest. 75

ROMEO Nay, good goose, bite not.

MERCUTIO Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most

sharp sauce.

ROMEO And is it not well served in to a sweet goose?

MERCUTIO O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an 80

inch narrow to an ell broad!

ROMEO I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added

to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.

MERCUTIO Why, is not this better now than groaning for love?

now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art 85

thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature:

for this drivelling love is like a great natural,

that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.

BENVOLIO Stop there, stop there.

MERCUTIO Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair. 90

BENVOLIO Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.

MERCUTIO O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short:

for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and

meant, indeed, to occupy the argument no longer.

ROMEO Here's goodly gear! 95

[Enter Nurse and PETER]

MERCUTIO A sail, a sail!

BENVOLIO Two, two; a shirt and a smock.

Nurse Peter!

PETER Anon!

Nurse My fan, Peter. 100

MERCUTIO Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the

fairer face.

Nurse God ye good morrow, gentlemen.

MERCUTIO God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.

Nurse Is it good den? 105

MERCUTIO 'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the

dial is now upon the prick of noon.

Nurse Out upon you! what a man are you!

ROMEO One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to

mar. 110

Nurse By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,'

quoth a'? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I

may find the young Romeo?

ROMEO I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when

you have found him than he was when you sought him: 115

I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

Nurse You say well.

MERCUTIO Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith;

wisely, wisely.

Nurse if you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with 120

you.

BENVOLIO She will indite him to some supper.

MERCUTIO A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! so ho!

ROMEO What hast thou found?

MERCUTIO No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, 125

that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.

[Sings]

An old hare hoar,

And an old hare hoar,

Is very good meat in lent

But a hare that is hoar 130

Is too much for a score,

When it hoars ere it be spent.

Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll

to dinner, thither.

ROMEO I will follow you. 135

MERCUTIO Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,

[Singing]

'lady, lady, lady.'

[Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO]

Nurse Marry, farewell! I pray you, sir, what saucy

merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?

ROMEO A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, 140

and will speak more in a minute than he will stand

to in a month.

Nurse An a' speak any thing against me, I'll take him

down, an a' were lustier than he is, and twenty such

Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll find those that shall. 145

Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am

none of his skains-mates. And thou must stand by

too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure?

PETER I saw no man use you a pleasure; if I had, my weapon

should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare 150

draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a

good quarrel, and the law on my side.

Nurse Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about

me quivers. Scurvy knave! Pray you, sir, a word:

and as I told you, my young lady bade me inquire you 155

out; what she bade me say, I will keep to myself:

but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into

a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross

kind of behavior, as they say: for the gentlewoman

is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double 160

with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered

to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.

ROMEO Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I

protest unto thee--

Nurse Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell her as much: 165

Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.

ROMEO What wilt thou tell her, nurse? thou dost not mark me.

Nurse I will tell her, sir, that you do protest; which, as

I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.

ROMEO Bid her devise 170

Some means to come to shrift this afternoon;

And there she shall at Friar Laurence' cell

Be shrived and married. Here is for thy pains.

Nurse No truly sir; not a penny.

ROMEO Go to; I say you shall. 175

Nurse This afternoon, sir? well, she shall be there.

ROMEO And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey wall:

Within this hour my man shall be with thee

And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair;

Which to the high top-gallant of my joy 180

Must be my convoy in the secret night.

Farewell; be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains:

Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.

Nurse Now God in heaven bless thee! Hark you, sir.

ROMEO What say'st thou, my dear nurse? 185

Nurse Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,

Two may keep counsel, putting one away?

ROMEO I warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.

NURSE Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady--Lord,

Lord! when 'twas a little prating thing:--O, there 190

is a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain

lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as lief

see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her

sometimes and tell her that Paris is the properer

man; but, I'll warrant you, when I say so, she looks 195

as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not

rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?

ROMEO Ay, nurse; what of that? both with an R.

Nurse Ah. mocker! that's the dog's name; R is for

the--No; I know it begins with some other 200

letter:--and she hath the prettiest sententious of

it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you good

to hear it.

ROMEO Commend me to thy lady.

Nurse Ay, a thousand times. 205

[Exit Romeo]

Peter!

PETER Anon!

Nurse Peter, take my fan, and go before and apace.

[Exeunt]

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MERCUTIO		Where the devil should this Romeo be?
		Came he not home to-night?

MERCUTIO		Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline.
		Torments him so, that he will sure run mad.	5

BENVOLIO		Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet,
		Hath sent a letter to his father's house.

BENVOLIO		Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he
		dares, being dared.

MERCUTIO	Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with a
	white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a
	love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the	15
	blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to
	encounter Tybalt?

MERCUTIO	More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is
	the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as	20
	you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance, and
	proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and
	the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk
	button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the
	very first house, of the first and second cause:	25
	ah, the immortal passado! the punto reverso! the
	hai!

MERCUTIO	The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting
	fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents! 'By Jesu,	30
	a very good blade! a very tall man! a very good
	whore!' Why, is not this a lamentable thing,
	grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with
	these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these
	perdona-mi's, who stand so much on the new form,	35
	that they cannot at ease on the old bench? O, their
	bones, their bones!
	[Enter ROMEO]

MERCUTIO	Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh,
	how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers	40
	that Petrarch flowed in: Laura to his lady was but a
	kitchen-wench; marry, she had a better love to
	be-rhyme her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;
	Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey
	eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior	45
	Romeo, bon jour! there's a French salutation
	to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit
	fairly last night.

ROMEO		Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in
		such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.

MERCUTIO		That's as much as to say, such a case as yours
		constrains a man to bow in the hams.

MERCUTIO		Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast
		worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it
		is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.

ROMEO		O single-soled jest, solely singular for the	65
		singleness.

MERCUTIO	Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have
	done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of	70
	thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five:
	was I with you there for the goose?

ROMEO		Thou wast never with me for any thing when thou wast
		not there for the goose.

MERCUTIO		Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most
		sharp sauce.

MERCUTIO		O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an	80
		inch narrow to an ell broad!

ROMEO		I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added
		to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.

MERCUTIO	Why, is not this better now than groaning for love?
	now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art	85
	thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature:
	for this drivelling love is like a great natural,
	that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.

MERCUTIO		O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short:
		for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and
		meant, indeed, to occupy the argument no longer.

MERCUTIO		Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the
		fairer face.

MERCUTIO		'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the
		dial is now upon the prick of noon.

ROMEO		One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to
		mar.	110

Nurse		By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,'
		quoth a'? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I
		may find the young Romeo?

ROMEO	I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when
	you have found him than he was when you sought him:	115
	I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

MERCUTIO		Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith;
		wisely, wisely.

Nurse		if you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with	120
		you.

MERCUTIO	No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie,	125
	that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
	[Sings]
	An old hare hoar,
	And an old hare hoar,
	Is very good meat in lent
	But a hare that is hoar	130
	Is too much for a score,
	When it hoars ere it be spent.
	Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll
	to dinner, thither.

MERCUTIO		Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,
		[Singing]
		'lady, lady, lady.'
		[Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO]

Nurse		Marry, farewell! I pray you, sir, what saucy
		merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?

ROMEO	A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk,	140
	and will speak more in a minute than he will stand
	to in a month.