AS YOU LIKE IT 5.4

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AS YOU LIKE IT 5.4

The forest.

[Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, JAQUES, ORLANDO, OLIVER,

and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;

As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

[Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE]

ROSALIND Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged: 5

You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,

You will bestow her on Orlando here?

DUKE SENIOR That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

ROSALIND And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

ORLANDO That would I, were I of all kingdoms king. 10

ROSALIND You say, you'll marry me, if I be willing?

PHEBE That will I, should I die the hour after.

ROSALIND But if you do refuse to marry me,

You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

PHEBE So is the bargain. 15

ROSALIND You say, that you'll have Phebe, if she will?

SILVIUS Though to have her and death were both one thing.

ROSALIND I have promised to make all this matter even.

Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;

You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter: 20

Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,

Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:

Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.

If she refuse me: and from hence I go,

To make these doubts all even. 25

[Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR I do remember in this shepherd boy

Some lively touches of my daughter's favour.

ORLANDO My lord, the first time that I ever saw him

Methought he was a brother to your daughter:

But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born, 30

And hath been tutor'd in the rudiments

Of many desperate studies by his uncle,

Whom he reports to be a great magician,

Obscured in the circle of this forest.

[Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY]

JAQUES There is, sure, another flood toward, and these 35

couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of

very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

TOUCHSTONE Salutation and greeting to you all!

JAQUES Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the

motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in 40

the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

TOUCHSTONE If any man doubt that, let him put me to my

purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered

a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth

with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have 45

had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

JAQUES And how was that ta'en up?

TOUCHSTONE Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the

seventh cause.

JAQUES How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow. 50

DUKE SENIOR I like him very well.

TOUCHSTONE God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I

press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country

copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as

marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin, 55

sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor

humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else

will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a

poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

DUKE SENIOR By my faith, he is very swift and sententious. 60

TOUCHSTONE According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

JAQUES But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the

quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more

seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the 65

cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,

if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the

mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.

If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he

would send me word, he cut it to please himself: 70

this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was

not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is

called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not

well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this

is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not 75

well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the

Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie

Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

JAQUES And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, 80

nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we

measured swords and parted.

JAQUES Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have

books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. 85

The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the

Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the

fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the

Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with

Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All 90

these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may

avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven

justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the

parties were met themselves, one of them thought but

of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and 95

they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the

only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at

any thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under 100

the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

[Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA]

[Still Music]

HYMEN Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

Atone together.

Good duke, receive thy daughter

Hymen from heaven brought her, 105

Yea, brought her hither,

That thou mightst join her hand with his

Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND [To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

[To ORLANDO]

To you I give myself, for I am yours. 110

DUKE SENIOR If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE If sight and shape be true,

Why then, my love adieu!

ROSALIND I'll have no father, if you be not he: 115

I'll have no husband, if you be not he:

Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

HYMEN Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

'Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here's eight that must take hands 120

To join in Hymen's bands,

If truth holds true contents.

You and you no cross shall part:

You and you are heart in heart

You to his love must accord, 125

Or have a woman to your lord:

You and you are sure together,

As the winter to foul weather.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning; 130

That reason wonder may diminish,

How thus we met, and these things finish.

SONG.

Wedding is great Juno's crown: 135

O blessed bond of board and bed!

'Tis Hymen peoples every town;

High wedlock then be honoured:

Honour, high honour and renown,

To Hymen, god of every town! 140

DUKE SENIOR O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!

Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

PHEBE I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;

Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

[Enter JAQUES DE BOYS]

JAQUES DE BOYS Let me have audience for a word or two: 145

I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,

That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.

Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day

Men of great worth resorted to this forest,

Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot, 150

In his own conduct, purposely to take

His brother here and put him to the sword:

And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;

Where meeting with an old religious man,

After some question with him, was converted 155

Both from his enterprise and from the world,

His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,

And all their lands restored to them again

That were with him exiled. This to be true,

I do engage my life. 160

DUKE SENIOR Welcome, young man;

Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:

To one his lands withheld, and to the other

A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.

First, in this forest, let us do those ends 165

That here were well begun and well begot:

And after, every of this happy number

That have endured shrewd days and nights with us

Shall share the good of our returned fortune,

According to the measure of their states. 170

Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity

And fall into our rustic revelry.

Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,

With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

JAQUES Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly, 175

The duke hath put on a religious life

And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

JAQUES DE BOYS He hath.

JAQUES To him will I : out of these convertites

There is much matter to be heard and learn'd. 180

[To DUKE SENIOR]

You to your former honour I bequeath;

Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

[To ORLANDO]

You to a love that your true faith doth merit:

[To OLIVER]

You to your land and love and great allies:

[To SILVIUS]

You to a long and well-deserved bed: 185

[To TOUCHSTONE]

And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage

Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:

I am for other than for dancing measures.

DUKE SENIOR Stay, Jaques, stay.

JAQUES To see no pastime Iwhat you would have 190

I'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.

[Exit]

DUKE SENIOR Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,

As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

[A dance]

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		[Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, JAQUES, ORLANDO, OLIVER,
		and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR		Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy
		Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO		I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;
		As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.
		[Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE]

ROSALIND	Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged:	5
	You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,
	You will bestow her on Orlando here?

ROSALIND		But if you do refuse to marry me,
		You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

ROSALIND	I have promised to make all this matter even.
	Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;
	You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:	20
	Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,
	Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:
	Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.
	If she refuse me: and from hence I go,
	To make these doubts all even.	25
	[Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR		I do remember in this shepherd boy
		Some lively touches of my daughter's favour.

ORLANDO	My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
	Methought he was a brother to your daughter:
	But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,	30
	And hath been tutor'd in the rudiments
	Of many desperate studies by his uncle,
	Whom he reports to be a great magician,
	Obscured in the circle of this forest.
	[Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY]

JAQUES	There is, sure, another flood toward, and these	35
	couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of
	very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

JAQUES	Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the
	motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in	40
	the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

TOUCHSTONE	If any man doubt that, let him put me to my
	purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered
	a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth
	with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have	45
	had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

TOUCHSTONE		Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the
		seventh cause.

TOUCHSTONE	God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I
	press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country
	copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as
	marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,	55
	sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor
	humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else
	will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a
	poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

JAQUES		But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the
		quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE	Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more
	seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the	65
	cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,
	if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the
	mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.
	If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he
	would send me word, he cut it to please himself:	70
	this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was
	not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is
	called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not
	well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this
	is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not	75
	well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the
	Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie
	Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

TOUCHSTONE	I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,	80
	nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we
	measured swords and parted.

TOUCHSTONE	O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
	books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.	85
	The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
	Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
	fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
	Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
	Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All	90
	these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may
	avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven
	justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the
	parties were met themselves, one of them thought but
	of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and	95
	they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the
	only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES		Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at
		any thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR	He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under	100
	the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
	[Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA]
	[Still Music]

HYMEN	Then is there mirth in heaven,
	When earthly things made even
	Atone together.
	Good duke, receive thy daughter
	Hymen from heaven brought her,	105
	Yea, brought her hither,
	That thou mightst join her hand with his
	Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND	[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.
	[To ORLANDO]
	To you I give myself, for I am yours.	110

ROSALIND	I'll have no father, if you be not he:	115
	I'll have no husband, if you be not he:
	Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

HYMEN	Peace, ho! I bar confusion:
	'Tis I must make conclusion
	Of these most strange events:
	Here's eight that must take hands	120
	To join in Hymen's bands,
	If truth holds true contents.
	You and you no cross shall part:
	You and you are heart in heart
	You to his love must accord,	125
	Or have a woman to your lord:
	You and you are sure together,
	As the winter to foul weather.
	Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,
	Feed yourselves with questioning;	130
	That reason wonder may diminish,
	How thus we met, and these things finish.

	SONG.
	Wedding is great Juno's crown:	135
	O blessed bond of board and bed!
	'Tis Hymen peoples every town;
	High wedlock then be honoured:
	Honour, high honour and renown,
	To Hymen, god of every town!	140

DUKE SENIOR		O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!
		Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

PHEBE		I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;
		Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.
		[Enter JAQUES DE BOYS]

JAQUES DE BOYS	Let me have audience for a word or two:	145
	I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,
	That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.
	Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day
	Men of great worth resorted to this forest,
	Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,	150
	In his own conduct, purposely to take
	His brother here and put him to the sword:
	And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;
	Where meeting with an old religious man,
	After some question with him, was converted	155
	Both from his enterprise and from the world,
	His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,
	And all their lands restored to them again
	That were with him exiled. This to be true,
	I do engage my life.	160

DUKE SENIOR	Welcome, young man;
	Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:
	To one his lands withheld, and to the other
	A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.
	First, in this forest, let us do those ends	165
	That here were well begun and well begot:
	And after, every of this happy number
	That have endured shrewd days and nights with us
	Shall share the good of our returned fortune,
	According to the measure of their states.	170
	Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity
	And fall into our rustic revelry.
	Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,
	With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

JAQUES	Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,	175
	The duke hath put on a religious life
	And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

JAQUES	To him will I : out of these convertites
	There is much matter to be heard and learn'd.	180
	[To DUKE SENIOR]
	You to your former honour I bequeath;
	Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:
	[To ORLANDO]
	You to a love that your true faith doth merit:
	[To OLIVER]
	You to your land and love and great allies:
	[To SILVIUS]
	You to a long and well-deserved bed:	185
	[To TOUCHSTONE]
	And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage
	Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:
	I am for other than for dancing measures.

JAQUES	To see no pastime Iwhat you would have	190
	I'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.
	[Exit]