1 KING HENRY IV 3.3

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1 KING HENRY IV 3.3

Eastcheap. The Boar's-Head Tavern.

[Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]

FALSTAFF Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last

action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my

skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose

gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,

I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some 5

liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I

shall have no strength to repent. An I have not

forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I

am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a

church! Company, villanous company, hath been the 10

spoil of me.

BARDOLPH Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.

FALSTAFF Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make

me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman

need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not 15

above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once

in a quarter--of an hour; paid money that I

borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in

good compass: and now I live out of all order, out

of all compass. 20

BARDOLPH Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs

be out of all compass, out of all reasonable

compass, Sir John.

FALSTAFF Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:

thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in 25

the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the

Knight of the Burning Lamp.

BARDOLPH Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.

FALSTAFF No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many

a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I 30

never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and

Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his

robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way

given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath

should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but 35

thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but

for the light in thy face, the son of utter

darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the

night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou

hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire, 40

there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a

perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!

Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and

torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt

tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast 45

drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap

at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have

maintained that salamander of yours with fire any

time this two and thirty years; God reward me for

it! 50

BARDOLPH 'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!

FALSTAFF God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.

[Enter Hostess]

How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired

yet who picked my pocket?

Hostess Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you 55

think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,

I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy

by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair

was never lost in my house before.

FALSTAFF Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many 60

a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go

to, you are a woman, go.

Hostess Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never

called so in mine own house before.

FALSTAFF Go to, I know you well enough. 65

Hostess No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know

you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now

you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought

you a dozen of shirts to your back.

FALSTAFF Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to 70

bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.

Hostess Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight

shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir

John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent

you, four and twenty pound. 75

FALSTAFF He had his part of it; let him pay.

Hostess He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.

FALSTAFF How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?

let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:

Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker 80

of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I

shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a

seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.

Hostess O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not

how oft, that ring was copper! 85

FALSTAFF How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an

he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he

would say so.

[Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF

meets them playing on his truncheon like a life]

How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?

must we all march? 90

BARDOLPH Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.

Hostess My lord, I pray you, hear me.

PRINCE HENRY What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy

husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.

Hostess Good my lord, hear me. 95

FALSTAFF Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.

PRINCE HENRY What sayest thou, Jack?

FALSTAFF The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras

and had my pocket picked: this house is turned

bawdy-house; they pick pockets. 100

PRINCE HENRY What didst thou lose, Jack?

FALSTAFF Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of

forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my

grandfather's.

PRINCE HENRY A trifle, some eight-penny matter. 105

Hostess So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your

grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely

of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said

he would cudgel you.

PRINCE HENRY What! he did not? 110

Hostess There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.

FALSTAFF There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed

prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn

fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the

deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, 115

go

Hostess Say, what thing? what thing?

FALSTAFF What thing! why, a thing to thank God on.

Hostess I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou

shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and, 120

setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to

call me so.

FALSTAFF Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say

otherwise.

Hostess Say, what beast, thou knave, thou? 125

FALSTAFF What beast! why, an otter.

PRINCE HENRY An otter, Sir John! Why an otter?

FALSTAFF Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not

where to have her.

Hostess Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any 130

man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!

PRINCE HENRY Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.

Hostess So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you

ought him a thousand pound.

PRINCE HENRY Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound? 135

FALSTAFF A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth

a million: thou owest me thy love.

Hostess Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would

cudgel you.

FALSTAFF Did I, Bardolph? 140

BARDOLPH Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

FALSTAFF Yea, if he said my ring was copper.

PRINCE HENRY I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now?

FALSTAFF Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:

but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the 145

roaring of a lion's whelp.

PRINCE HENRY And why not as the lion?

FALSTAFF The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou

think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an

I do, I pray God my girdle break. 150

PRINCE HENRY O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy

knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,

truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all

filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest

woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson, 155

impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in

thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of

bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of

sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket

were enriched with any other injuries but these, I 160

am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will

not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?

FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of

innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack

Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I 165

have more flesh than another man, and therefore more

frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?

PRINCE HENRY It appears so by the story.

FALSTAFF Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;

love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy 170

guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest

reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay,

prithee, be gone.

[Exit Hostess]

Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery,

lad, how is that answered? 175

PRINCE HENRY O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to

thee: the money is paid back again.

FALSTAFF O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour.

PRINCE HENRY I am good friends with my father and may do any thing.

FALSTAFF Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and 180

do it with unwashed hands too.

BARDOLPH Do, my lord.

PRINCE HENRY I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.

FALSTAFF I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find

one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the 185

age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am

heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for

these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous: I

laud them, I praise them.

PRINCE HENRY Bardolph! 190

BARDOLPH My lord?

PRINCE HENRY Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my

brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.

[Exit Bardolph]

Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and I have

thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time. 195

[Exit Peto]

Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two

o'clock in the afternoon.

There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive

Money and order for their furniture.

The land is burning; Percy stands on high; 200

And either we or they must lower lie.

[Exit PRINCE HENRY]

FALSTAFF Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!

O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!

[Exit]

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FALSTAFF	Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last
	action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my
	skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose
	gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,
	I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some	5
	liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I
	shall have no strength to repent. An I have not
	forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I
	am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a
	church! Company, villanous company, hath been the	10
	spoil of me.

FALSTAFF	Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make
	me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman
	need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not	15
	above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once
	in a quarter--of an hour; paid money that I
	borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in
	good compass: and now I live out of all order, out
	of all compass.	20

BARDOLPH		Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs
		be out of all compass, out of all reasonable
		compass, Sir John.

FALSTAFF	Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:
	thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in	25
	the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
	Knight of the Burning Lamp.

FALSTAFF	No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many
	a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I	30
	never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and
	Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his
	robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way
	given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath
	should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but	35
	thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but
	for the light in thy face, the son of utter
	darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the
	night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou
	hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire,	40
	there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a
	perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!
	Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and
	torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt
	tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast	45
	drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap
	at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have
	maintained that salamander of yours with fire any
	time this two and thirty years; God reward me for
	it!	50

FALSTAFF		God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.
		[Enter Hostess]
		How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired
		yet who picked my pocket?

Hostess	Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you	55
	think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,
	I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy
	by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair
	was never lost in my house before.

FALSTAFF	Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many	60
	a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go
	to, you are a woman, go.

Hostess		Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never
		called so in mine own house before.

Hostess		No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know
		you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now
		you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought
		you a dozen of shirts to your back.

FALSTAFF		Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to	70
		bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.

Hostess	Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight
	shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir
	John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent
	you, four and twenty pound.	75

FALSTAFF	How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?
	let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:
	Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker	80
	of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I
	shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a
	seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.

Hostess		O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not
		how oft, that ring was copper!	85

FALSTAFF	How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an
	he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he
	would say so.
	[Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF
	meets them playing on his truncheon like a life]
	How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?
	must we all march?	90

PRINCE HENRY		What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy
		husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.

FALSTAFF	The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras
	and had my pocket picked: this house is turned
	bawdy-house; they pick pockets.	100

FALSTAFF		Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of
		forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my
		grandfather's.

Hostess		So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your
		grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely
		of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said
		he would cudgel you.

FALSTAFF	There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed
	prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn
	fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the
	deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing,	115
	go

Hostess	I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou
	shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and,	120
	setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to
	call me so.

FALSTAFF		Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say
		otherwise.

FALSTAFF		Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not
		where to have her.

Hostess		Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any	130
		man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!

Hostess		So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you
		ought him a thousand pound.

FALSTAFF		A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth
		a million: thou owest me thy love.

Hostess		Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would
		cudgel you.

FALSTAFF	Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:
	but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the	145
	roaring of a lion's whelp.

FALSTAFF	The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou
	think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an
	I do, I pray God my girdle break.	150

PRINCE HENRY	O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy
	knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,
	truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all
	filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest
	woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson,	155
	impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in
	thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of
	bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of
	sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket
	were enriched with any other injuries but these, I	160
	am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will
	not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?